I haven't written.
Writer's write. That's what we do. All the time, we are either reading or writing something.
I have an entire book to edit, and I haven't written.
We are in the middle of a historic pandemic, and I haven't written.
Our economy is tanking, and I haven't written.
The world is being turned upside down daily, and I haven't written.
I've tried. I have written, rewritten, backspaced, and erased more things than I think I ever have in my life. Just like many of you, the scope of what has befallen our nation has left me overwhelmed and spellbound. I just can't get it right, and it's driving me mad.
So...
I haven't written.
How do you write when your brain is overwhelmed by the magnitude of just living every day? How do you put words into sentences that make sense to yourself and others when nothing about what is happening in the world is making sense?
How do you relate your own personal trials and tribulations to a world filled with trials and tribulations? It sounds whiny and lame. Do people still use the word lame? I digress.
I have so much to say, and it's not going away, so today...
I WRITE.
Friends, today is July 12, 2020.
My family, like so many of yours, has been in quarantine since the middle of March. Just a refresher of our current family situation is probably needed for any new followers, so here goes. My husband, myself, and our two girls moved from Illinois to Florida a little over two years ago. We live in a big house with his parents, both elderly, neither in great health. My husband is a public school teacher. One daughter is in high school and the other is in middle school. My husband is generally in good health, but got really sick at the end of last year, causing some gallbladder and heart issues. My big girl is generally in decent health, but has the same heart issue and some mental health issues. My baby has chronic asthma, sometimes severe. She usually ends up at the hospital at least once a year. Last school year she missed more school than she has ever missed in her life after also getting very sick in December. And to add to the fun, she also has a weird condition where her potassium bottoms out when she gets really sick sometimes. It can be a really huge deal and cause her to have a heart attack if left unnoticed or untreated.
At almost 13.
(Sighing in complete exhaustion)
As for myself, I have two autoimmune diseases currently. Since the move, I've stayed home to care for my family. It's been an eye-opening struggle to adapt to such an urban area after a lifetime in small towns, but we had just started to adjust to living here at the end of 2019.
Enter 2020...
I don't even know what to say. We are now living day by day, only going out when needed. Daily trying to protect this house full of people has not been easy or cheap.
This is not some sob story manufactured for you to feel sorry for me; it's just the way it is. I know many of you and other Americans are living this same struggle. The overwhelming frustration, fear, idleness, and lack of control of our circumstances are all too common. In response, many of us have eaten too much, watched too much tv (I'm looking at you Tiger King fans), listened to too much news, and spent WAAAAYYY too much time on our phones or devices. We are coping the best we can.
Just when I thought things were starting to smooth out just a little, Florida's pandemic numbers exploded, and the nation wants our children and school staff to go back to school.
Here.
In Florida.
The world's newest Covid-19 hotspot.
Yet again, I'm at a loss for words.
How do I explain to anyone that, if I just sent them, I might lose my entire world? How do I make anyone understand just how dangerous that would be for us? Would anyone even care?
Of all of the overwhelming factors we've been dealing with since March, this one is the absolute hardest. I get angry at those who act like our lives don't matter. I want to yell and scream at those who tell me to "suck it up, and if you're afraid just stay home"! No amount of common sense, scientific evidence, or input from actual school staff will deter this sentiment. How has humanity fallen this far? How has this happened right under our noses? When did it become okay to insist that others sacrifice their lives so that others can be stupid, careless, and selfish?
I fully understand that not everyone is in this position. I know many people need to go to work, make money, and feed their families. I know this. I know some people also live in places where this is not their reality. To that, I say: I'm so happy for you. I'm sad that you are being controlled by things that don't concern you. Every family is different. I feel there are no good answers at this point.
I wish I had some great pearls of wisdom to share with you. I wish I had some bright spot to cheer up this post. I wish this was just some bad dream. It's not, and I don't.
So, I will leave you with this:
I haven't written, but today I wrote it all out for the world to see. That is...if I don't erase it again...
