How is quarantine treating all of you? Are you okay? Have you completely run through your collection of quarantine snacks? Is your family driving you crazy? Have you discovered anything new or interesting about yourself today?
Well, today has been an interesting day for me.
It's not often that I am faced with my own mortality, but here we are.
Today, I remembered one very important fact about my own life: it will end. Everything that I consider so important will be seen for what it really is, a distraction from much more important things.
What has me so somber and melancholy today?
I finally realized how deadly COVID-19 would be for me personally.
I've spent a great deal of time over the last several days and weeks preparing my home and family for quarantine. We've shopped. cleaned, and prepared. I've lectured my family over and over again on the importance of washing hands, something that I've done as a habit since being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease years ago.
While doing all of this preparation, I've put myself at risk, but I've been taking normal precautions like washing my hands and staying away from sick people. Today, I'm wondering if it's been enough.
I've had a bit of a sore throat and an occasional runny nose for about a week. This is not unusual for me, as I have allergies, and everything is blooming here. The real issue is that my immune system is becoming overwhelmed. Not only are my allergies raging, but I'm now experiencing typical autoimmune issues as well. My psoriasis is picking up, I'm itchy, my body is aching, my mouth is hurting, my brain is slow, my eyes are twitching, and my sleep is either all or nothing.
I realized for the first time this morning that I am afraid.
I'm afraid to go out. I'm afraid for my family. I'm afraid for myself. I wish I could deny these things, but I can't. I have found myself in a place of fear, and I'm trying so desperately to find a way out.
But, what can I do? How do I dig myself out of this pit of despair? How do I make myself keep going when all I want to do is isolate with the cat?
I remind myself who I am.
I am a mom, so I have kiddos who depend on me.
I am a wife, so I have a husband to love and care for.
I am a daughter, so I have parents that love and sometimes depend on me.
I am a sister, so I need to check in with my siblings to make sure they are okay.
I am a friend, so I need to lift up my friends and encourage them in these uncertain times.
Most importantly, I am a child of God. He has me. He knows me, and what I'm going through. He is not surprised by anything happening to me or anyone else. He holds me and whispers the truth in my ears as I spiral into an anxiety freefall.
You are mine.
I'll never leave you.
I've got this.
Nothing is too big for me.
I've got a plan.
Fear is not from me.
Trust me.
Faith is a journey, not a destination, friends. Sometimes we find ourselves in dark and desolate places and we fear that God has forgotten us. We worry, complain, and fear. All the while, God waits patiently for us.
Longing for us to come to Him.
Gifting us with what we need before we even ask or realize what He's done.
The truth is, we never know what each day holds. We wake up each day and believe that we are in control of ourselves and what happens to us. We go about our days making decisions to keep ourselves from harm and to make our lives easier, all while neglecting the reality of our mortality.
Maybe this time of contemplation is a gift. Maybe taking extra time and effort to be with our families is a blessing.
Maybe it's a wake-up call.
However you are spending your quarantine, I urge you to spend a few moments with yourself. Contemplate uncomfortable realities. Ponder the big questions. Maybe even listen to your favorite 80s music while having a conversation with the Almighty.
You never know, it might be just the break you needed.
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