The Weight of What If...

There is an unmistakable commonality between all parents. We live each day as if we can control our children's lives. When they're little, we tell them what to eat, what to wear, what to do, and even who to be friends with. We tell them these things out of a desire to love and protect them. We, the parents, obviously know what's best. We are in charge here. So, we continue giving directions to our little ones every day, instilling lifetime values and good nutrition. Fruit snacks count as fruit, right?

As our children grow, so does our sense of unease. We just can't shake it. We are still handing out direction to our little ones, but they don't always listen. Sometimes they believe they are right and dig in. Toddlers can reduce even the mightiest parent to his or her knees. Suddenly, they gain the understanding that there are choices, and thus begins the mightiest struggle of our parenting careers.

As a mom with anxiety, I can tell you that "what if?" is the biggest question I face every day. When our girls were babies, I read everything I could get my hands on to keep the what ifs at bay. Knowing what was normal helped me to understand when something was abnormal. Of course, no book can tell you everything you need to know or everything that might happen, but reading helped me to do something when seemingly nothing else could be done. Granted, every parent does this differently, so my experience is probably different from yours, but we all do it. We try to calm our anxiety over the unknown by doing what we think is best.

So, what happens when what you know to do isn't enough? What happens when all of your experience and knowledge amount to nothing but vain attempts at gaining control over an uncontrollable situation?

I believe this is the unspoken fear of all parents.

Not being able to take care of our children when they need it the most can be utterly devastating. We feel we are failing at our life's biggest responsibility. Not only is our child going through a tough time, but we find ourselves also in a weird state of unrest. No matter what we do, it is not enough.

I'm finding myself at this very place today and for the last few weeks. 

For the last few weeks, my baby has been sick. She has had a cold, sinus infection, diarrhea, and bronchitis. She just can't shake it. She's had two rounds of antibiotics, prednisone, cold meds, cough meds, constant nebulizer treatments, and all the Popsicles, warm drinks, soup, and love one mama can pour into one child. I've done all I can. So, what is the thing that haunts me?

Wondering if this...

My little one and her nebulizer

is going to turn into this.

Hospital stay 2018

This is such a deep fear for me, friends. My baby has asthma. Cold and flu season is hard for her. It is so hard for her, it is one of the many reasons we uprooted our family and moved from Illinois to Florida. We had hoped the milder weather would be good for her. And it has been until now. She had been doing so well that her pulmonologist took her off of her meds for the summer. That was such a major win for the girl who has been taking several meds a day since she was seven. 

The weight of the what ifs has become so heavy, friends. So, what am I supposed to do? How can I let this go? That's the question, isn't it? How do we let something so important go, even when we know there is nothing we can do about it? This is just my story. I know some of you carry different burdens that are just as heavy. The answers are non-existent and the worry is real. What can we do when nothing can be done?

When I know there is nothing left that I can do, I have to trust that God has this all under control. I might never understand why things work out the way they do, but it gives me great hope to know that someone else sees the whole picture and is working things out for the best. What else can I do? There will always be things that I cannot control. Praying and hoping are sometimes all that are left. It has to be enough for me. Otherwise, the what ifs in life will drive me crazy. I do what I can, and trust God for the rest. But, I know not everyone believes in the same things I do. 

What about you?

I would love to hear your story. How do you overcome the what ifs in life? What sustains you when you've done all you can? Let me know in the comments.

Strong for Too Long

I don’t know about you, but my news feed has been overflowing with witty little quips about positive mental health all week. And you know what? I LOVE IT. I love that people are finally TALKING about positive mental health. I love that we can support one another through likes, shares, and positive comments. I love that mental health has become a huge topic for conversation.

But...

I’m afraid that the conversation is just that-a conversation.

I’m doubtful that all the people reading and liking posts are able to believe what they read.

I’m hesitant to believe that any of this is making a difference.

Do you know why?

We live in a world where we are constantly inundated with inspirational quotes, yet so few of us believe what we post or see.

I am 1 in 4. 

I take an antidepressant every day, and recently had to up the dosage with my doctor. 

I’m one of those people that all of these quotes are aimed at. I love reading them, but they don’t change what I feel inside.

I still struggle not to feel like a burden when my autoimmune disease acts up.

I still struggle with wanting to be perfect, even though I know that’s not possible.

I still get crippling anxiety every time my big girl has a bad day or when my little one gets sick.

I still try to be everything to everyone until my body literally starts shutting down.

I’m anxious, frightened, and melancholy some days.

NO MATTER WHAT.

So, what can we do?

First, I think we ALL need to realize that literally NO ONE has it all together. No one is showing the hard parts of their lives on social media. We try to put our best foot forward, right? For whatever reason, we all know this but, we refuse to believe it. Comparison is the thief of joy,but most of us spend our days comparing our worst days to everyone else's best. No one else can live our lives for us, so we MUST stop acting like everyone’s opinion counts.

Second, we have to care for ourselves, especially on the days we feel the absolute worst. A little walk, a hot shower, a healthy meal, or listening to your favorite song can do AMAZING things for you. I have a tendency to visit the kitties at the animal shelter. I pet and love on them, and we both benefit. WHATEVER makes your little heart happy is self care.

Lastly, we need to destigmatize mental health. We would NEVER fault a cancer patient for receiving care for their illness. The same should be true of mental health. Our bodies work together in a system. Not one part is shameful. Why do we act like our brains are somehow different? Like, only the weak can have broken brains, but broken legs, well that just happens.

REALLY?!?

Mental illness is not a sign of weakness. It’s the brain’s way of signaling that something is wrong. Just like bruising, breaking, burning, and hurting signals something wrong with bones, organs, or muscles.

The positive take away from all of this? I actually have a great deal of hope, and so do many others fighting the fight. The future of brain science is exciting! More is being discovered about how and why the brain works every day. There is promising research on concussions, chemical imbalances, Alzheimer’s, tumors, and just how the brain works in general. 

To all of my fellow sufferers, I say keep on hoping. Don’t give up, because there is hope. Also,

 YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! 

To all of our friends and supporters, please check on us. Don’t give up on us. We miss our old selves, too.

*I am not a mental health professional. These are just my thoughts and opinions. Please seek out a licensed professional if you are in need of mental health services.

If you are having a hard time and are contemplating hurting yourself, please reach out.