The Weight of What If...

There is an unmistakable commonality between all parents. We live each day as if we can control our children's lives. When they're little, we tell them what to eat, what to wear, what to do, and even who to be friends with. We tell them these things out of a desire to love and protect them. We, the parents, obviously know what's best. We are in charge here. So, we continue giving directions to our little ones every day, instilling lifetime values and good nutrition. Fruit snacks count as fruit, right?

As our children grow, so does our sense of unease. We just can't shake it. We are still handing out direction to our little ones, but they don't always listen. Sometimes they believe they are right and dig in. Toddlers can reduce even the mightiest parent to his or her knees. Suddenly, they gain the understanding that there are choices, and thus begins the mightiest struggle of our parenting careers.

As a mom with anxiety, I can tell you that "what if?" is the biggest question I face every day. When our girls were babies, I read everything I could get my hands on to keep the what ifs at bay. Knowing what was normal helped me to understand when something was abnormal. Of course, no book can tell you everything you need to know or everything that might happen, but reading helped me to do something when seemingly nothing else could be done. Granted, every parent does this differently, so my experience is probably different from yours, but we all do it. We try to calm our anxiety over the unknown by doing what we think is best.

So, what happens when what you know to do isn't enough? What happens when all of your experience and knowledge amount to nothing but vain attempts at gaining control over an uncontrollable situation?

I believe this is the unspoken fear of all parents.

Not being able to take care of our children when they need it the most can be utterly devastating. We feel we are failing at our life's biggest responsibility. Not only is our child going through a tough time, but we find ourselves also in a weird state of unrest. No matter what we do, it is not enough.

I'm finding myself at this very place today and for the last few weeks. 

For the last few weeks, my baby has been sick. She has had a cold, sinus infection, diarrhea, and bronchitis. She just can't shake it. She's had two rounds of antibiotics, prednisone, cold meds, cough meds, constant nebulizer treatments, and all the Popsicles, warm drinks, soup, and love one mama can pour into one child. I've done all I can. So, what is the thing that haunts me?

Wondering if this...

My little one and her nebulizer

is going to turn into this.

Hospital stay 2018

This is such a deep fear for me, friends. My baby has asthma. Cold and flu season is hard for her. It is so hard for her, it is one of the many reasons we uprooted our family and moved from Illinois to Florida. We had hoped the milder weather would be good for her. And it has been until now. She had been doing so well that her pulmonologist took her off of her meds for the summer. That was such a major win for the girl who has been taking several meds a day since she was seven. 

The weight of the what ifs has become so heavy, friends. So, what am I supposed to do? How can I let this go? That's the question, isn't it? How do we let something so important go, even when we know there is nothing we can do about it? This is just my story. I know some of you carry different burdens that are just as heavy. The answers are non-existent and the worry is real. What can we do when nothing can be done?

When I know there is nothing left that I can do, I have to trust that God has this all under control. I might never understand why things work out the way they do, but it gives me great hope to know that someone else sees the whole picture and is working things out for the best. What else can I do? There will always be things that I cannot control. Praying and hoping are sometimes all that are left. It has to be enough for me. Otherwise, the what ifs in life will drive me crazy. I do what I can, and trust God for the rest. But, I know not everyone believes in the same things I do. 

What about you?

I would love to hear your story. How do you overcome the what ifs in life? What sustains you when you've done all you can? Let me know in the comments.