Unraveling a Mom

Have you ever seen a rope come unraveled? It doesn’t just suddenly break. It takes its time. Section by section, cord by cord, it frays. The whole rope starts to lose its grip as each individual section breaks. Suddenly, catastrophically, the entire thing crumbles because it can’t bear the strain.

People often unravel the same way.

How?

Well, let me begin here...

It's Christmastime! It's the season of all things jolly and cheerful. The lights, trees, goodies, parties, and gifts are all part of the most wonderful time of the year, and I must admit that Christmas is my favorite holiday. Who can resist so much beauty and magic?

Until I became a mom, I never really considered where all of that magic came from. It just shows up with the first snow, right? What a surprise it was for me to realize that parents are the great magic makers in this life! Don't get me wrong, God's mercy and unbelievable gift are the most magical parts of the holiday, but all of the trappings that go with it rest solely on the shoulders of parents. In our home, "parents" most often means "mom," and not just at Christmastime.

Moms bear the majority of the emotional, and oftentimes physical, burden of raising children. It's just who we are. I don't believe that you can carry around something for almost 10 months of your life and not care about what happens to it, especially when you hear it's very heartbeat from inside of you. You feel every kick and hiccup. Then, when that beautiful baby emerges, us moms instantly go to work despite our tired, sore, and often stitched together bodies, and we love that child. Of course we carry the emotional burden of caring for this precious gift! What society, and often our own families, fail to recognize is that that burden of caring never quite goes away for the mom. They may be taller, smellier, and harrier than us, but we moms still see the tiny babies they once were and worry and care for them.

So, how do you unravel a mom? Much like a rope, it happens a little at a time. Women are doing more than ever before. We are working inside and outside of our homes. Many of us have a side hustle, too. We are still doing the lion's share of the housework and child rearing. We are making Christmas magic. We are trying to take off, or keep off, that extra 10 (or 20) pounds. We are trying to maintain friendships. We are trying to be good siblings. We are trying to be good daughters, or daughters-in-law, to aging parents. We are trying to care for our own bodies, which for some of us is quite the job. We are trying to be good wives to our husbands. We are trying to continue our education. We are trying to be good pet moms. We are trying to fix, build, or remodel our own homes.

In short, we are trying to do it all, and be everything to everyone. So, if even one or two of the things on the list become seriously out of whack, us moms find ourselves in serious trouble.

Suddenly, we can't bake cookies for the church party because we have a sick kid. We can't make it to work because the car is broken. We can't check on Grandma because we hurt ourselves at the gym. We can't make dinner because we have become so run down that we are now sick ourselves.

A mom becomes unraveled when several things begin to back up on her.  Any mom can handle one sick kid, but what if two of the kids and dad get sick? Any mom can handle doing the dishes, but what if the dishwasher, the toilet, and the car all break on the same day? Any mom can make goodies, but what if she is sick, her oven is broken, and no one has gone to the grocery store? Do you see? Wouldn't it be nice if life handed us one problem at a time so we could deal with it and move on? I don't know about you, but my life, especially lately, has not ever been that cooperative.

Friends, as I write this to you today, I find myself in this situation. I am harried and short tempered. I am surly and tired. I am still sick and overwhelmed. I am unraveled.

My baby is sick. Again. She's been sick constantly, it seems. My husband is not doing well, waiting for a gallbladder surgery while recovering from his flu-like illness and sudden heart issue. One of our toilets is broken. Our garbage disposal needs fixing. We have had our car in the shop many times in the last month. I am still coughing out my lungs. Our Christmas tree just went up, and there is only one present bought to go under it. I have not baked anything. I have not planned anything of consequence. In short, my Christmas season is looking a bit bleak.

Do I write these things to you for your sympathy? Do I think that I am the only one facing such problems? Am I completely blind to all of the blessings surrounding me?

No.

We are blessed.

I am blessed.

I have such wonderful friends to pray for me. They continuously lift me and my family up in prayer and with good thoughts. I could not be more blessed by them.

I might not have it all on Christmas, but I am blessed. The world around me might crumble, but I am blessed. I might lose everything, but I am blessed.

I must admit, the world does have me down. I feel unraveled and like I need a break. You might feel that way, too. I am embarrassed to say that I might have had one or two meltdowns, and there have definitely been tears, but I know that all of this is temporary. Nothing lasts forever. My God is still on His throne. He owes me nothing, and yet He still sent His Son.

That is what Christmas is about. Through it all, He remains. Though I might fail, He never does.

So, this Christmas, no matter what your situation may be, why not let the Savior be with you?  Let Him comfort you in your time of need. Let Him hold you as you cry. He has a way of putting the frayed rope back together again. Maybe then, we won't feel so unraveled.

It would be the very best birthday present for someone who deserves everything we have to give.

The Weight of What If...

There is an unmistakable commonality between all parents. We live each day as if we can control our children's lives. When they're little, we tell them what to eat, what to wear, what to do, and even who to be friends with. We tell them these things out of a desire to love and protect them. We, the parents, obviously know what's best. We are in charge here. So, we continue giving directions to our little ones every day, instilling lifetime values and good nutrition. Fruit snacks count as fruit, right?

As our children grow, so does our sense of unease. We just can't shake it. We are still handing out direction to our little ones, but they don't always listen. Sometimes they believe they are right and dig in. Toddlers can reduce even the mightiest parent to his or her knees. Suddenly, they gain the understanding that there are choices, and thus begins the mightiest struggle of our parenting careers.

As a mom with anxiety, I can tell you that "what if?" is the biggest question I face every day. When our girls were babies, I read everything I could get my hands on to keep the what ifs at bay. Knowing what was normal helped me to understand when something was abnormal. Of course, no book can tell you everything you need to know or everything that might happen, but reading helped me to do something when seemingly nothing else could be done. Granted, every parent does this differently, so my experience is probably different from yours, but we all do it. We try to calm our anxiety over the unknown by doing what we think is best.

So, what happens when what you know to do isn't enough? What happens when all of your experience and knowledge amount to nothing but vain attempts at gaining control over an uncontrollable situation?

I believe this is the unspoken fear of all parents.

Not being able to take care of our children when they need it the most can be utterly devastating. We feel we are failing at our life's biggest responsibility. Not only is our child going through a tough time, but we find ourselves also in a weird state of unrest. No matter what we do, it is not enough.

I'm finding myself at this very place today and for the last few weeks. 

For the last few weeks, my baby has been sick. She has had a cold, sinus infection, diarrhea, and bronchitis. She just can't shake it. She's had two rounds of antibiotics, prednisone, cold meds, cough meds, constant nebulizer treatments, and all the Popsicles, warm drinks, soup, and love one mama can pour into one child. I've done all I can. So, what is the thing that haunts me?

Wondering if this...

My little one and her nebulizer

is going to turn into this.

Hospital stay 2018

This is such a deep fear for me, friends. My baby has asthma. Cold and flu season is hard for her. It is so hard for her, it is one of the many reasons we uprooted our family and moved from Illinois to Florida. We had hoped the milder weather would be good for her. And it has been until now. She had been doing so well that her pulmonologist took her off of her meds for the summer. That was such a major win for the girl who has been taking several meds a day since she was seven. 

The weight of the what ifs has become so heavy, friends. So, what am I supposed to do? How can I let this go? That's the question, isn't it? How do we let something so important go, even when we know there is nothing we can do about it? This is just my story. I know some of you carry different burdens that are just as heavy. The answers are non-existent and the worry is real. What can we do when nothing can be done?

When I know there is nothing left that I can do, I have to trust that God has this all under control. I might never understand why things work out the way they do, but it gives me great hope to know that someone else sees the whole picture and is working things out for the best. What else can I do? There will always be things that I cannot control. Praying and hoping are sometimes all that are left. It has to be enough for me. Otherwise, the what ifs in life will drive me crazy. I do what I can, and trust God for the rest. But, I know not everyone believes in the same things I do. 

What about you?

I would love to hear your story. How do you overcome the what ifs in life? What sustains you when you've done all you can? Let me know in the comments.

It’s Today. Again.

Today is 9/11. 

I find myself doing the same thing today that I’ve been doing every September 11th since 2001: I’m watching and remembering. Many people probably wonder why I would even want to spend my day listening to survivor stories and memorials for the dead. I often wonder why I’m drawn to disasters and tragedies. I want to hear the stories. I want to feel the sadness and fear. I want to root for the survivors. I want to know how it ends. 

I want to learn the lessons.
.

So, what lessons have I learned, or am I learning, from 9/11?

Foremost, and most importantly, I have learned about love. There is no replacement 

for my family and friends. They should be treated as the most important people in my life because they are. None of us live on this earth forever, so we should cherish the ones God gave us while we have them. 

Next, I’ve learned that everyone has a story, and they’re all different. No two people share the same story, even though they may go through the same experiences and share the same home. Every single person going through this life has a unique perspective, unique challenges, and unique pain. It is a serious disservice to humanity to assume that everyone is the same. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. And different.

One of the most complicated lessons from 9/11 can be summed up in one word: freedom.

Freedom is such a difficult concept. Most Americans define freedom very differently than the rest of the world. We associate freedom with rights and privileges that we enjoy under our system of government. But, freedom is not just something that government bestows upon us, we are born with it.
It is innate. 

It’s the thing that allows us to help others when we can. It’s what allows us to figure out what we want in life and go after it. It’s the thing that lets us go where we want, say what we want, do what we want, and be who we want to be. Recent times have made many of us forget what freedom really looks like. After 9/11, things have changed so drastically that many contend that we are no longer free as Americans. To that, I say that those people don’t really understand how freedom works. It’s not a set of laws telling us what we can and cannot do, but a state of mind.

What we think, we are.
Or become. 
Or something lofty sounding like that. 

Do we truly believe we are free? How do we secure or maintain that freedom? I believe there is nothing in life that we can’t change. We have the freedom to pursue change in ourselves and the world around us. 

Through love, compassion, empathy, and kindness we can learn the lessons of 9/11. We can use our freedom to change the world, starting with our own lives and families. Life is too short to do otherwise. Make the changes, and do the hard work. 

Be the change.

Lastly, I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Mother Theresa which sums up these lessons in a way that only she could.

Broken

My friends, I think the most clearly when I can drag things out of my brain either through my hands by writing, or when I can talk about them with someone else. I bet you can guess which one gets me into the least amount of trouble. 😉 I'm trying, but I can't seem to process all of the ugliness and pain that I witness on a daily basis anymore. My heart has reached its threshold, and all of the hate and strife has become too much. 

Jesus, please help!

My life is currently undergoing some major changes and obstacles. As many of you know, our family is planning a move to Florida after the end of the school year. We have many reasons for the move, although health issues and opportunities for our family top the list. My husband and I made the decision during this past summer after much prayer and research, and we are confident in our decision. All of that being said, we were very concerned about Hurricane Irma. Not only does most of my husband's family live in Florida, but our new home is there as well. We had several stressful days of worry about them, and as selfish as it sounds, about our decision to go. While everything turned out okay for our family, the state still has a long path of recovery ahead, and we will be moving right into it. I'd love to say that I have enough faith to not worry about what it means for our family, but that would be a lie. It is disconcerting, to say the least, to take your family into the unknown.

To add to the stress of preparing to move so far away, my Hashimoto's disease has decided to flare up. I've had several sick days, including having to leave work with an anxiety attack a couple weeks ago and a trip to the ER this past weekend. I despise this disease! It makes me exceedingly weak and dependent upon so many others. Of all of the emotions that I feel when I'm sick, the most prevalent is guilt. I feel guilty that my husband has to take on so many of my responsibilities. I cringe thinking about what my girls might be dealing with or missing out on because of my inabilities. Our home is a wreck most of the time, and I doubt all of my work. Honestly, my pride is probably the biggest loser in the whole situation, and my prayer life is the biggest winner. 

Daughter #1 is also dealing with some pretty significant issues at the moment. She is under a doctor's care, so we prayerfully place our most precious blessings into God's hands once again. Our younger daughter's tween season is in full bloom. On any given day you can find me both laughing at her whimsical personality and wanting to ship her off to Grandma for an attitude adjustment. She's lucky she's so lovable! My husband really doesn't like it when I talk about his issues, so suffice it to say that he's got a lot on his plate being a public school teacher in a state where educators are not valued and children are becoming less teachable.

I presented this glimpse into my family's lives for a reason. I don't know what people think about me; it's not really any of my business. But, I do know what I think about myself, and right now I'm a hot mess! My heart is pulled into a million places at the same time, and then it's being torn apart. And it's not just thinking about my family that has me all shook up. Our little town, state, and nation are filled with disasters, controversies, and worries galore. Rumors of school shootings, taxes, budgets, protests, hurricanes, earthquakes, North Korea, Trump, the NFL fiasco, healthcare......

The list could go on and on, and what's an average person to do? While all of this is happening around us, our private lives do not stop. We still have to get up every day and face our responsibilities. Unfortunately, many of us are heading into each day defeated before we even start. The stakes are so high in our personal lives that we cannot bear any more weight from society, or we will break. 

My friends, I believe that is what has happened to many of us, myself included. 

We are broken.

We have filled ourselves with more than we can take, and instead of overflowing, we break. There is so much evidence of brokenness in the world: abused children, homeless veterans, battered women, addiction, and now the non-stop barrage of hate on social media. All of the hurt, suffering, and pain in our lives needs an outlet. While many people find healthy means of expression, so many of us do not. We hide, lash out, or escape by whatever means possible. Unfortunately, our coping mechanism usually just causes more pain. We humans are so fragile. We pretend to be invincible, but our brains and bodies tell us differently. We can't sleep. Our faces break out. We don't eat, or we eat too much. Our bodies get sick. Our hearts stop working right. Suddenly, we have a hard time even getting out of bed. 

What, if anything, can we do then to repair what has been broken inside of us? The Japanese have an art form that I find fascinating. It is called Kintsugi. They repair broken objects with something precious, like gold.

The broken objects then become beautiful and unique. Kintsugi teaches that broken things can become beautiful if repaired properly. I love this idea! Just think about what you would look like if all of your brokenness could be repaired with something precious! I imagine I would look something like this.....

All joking aside, what can we, as humans and not pottery, do to fix our brokenness? I know my futile attempts to fix myself are just that, futile. While opinions differ on this matter greatly, I propose one simple solution: we look up. Instead of wallowing in all that this world is heaping upon us, what if we focus on something bigger than ourselves? God's Word has some interesting things to say about brokenness. 

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. God genuinely cares when we can't go on. He wants to help us when the journey gets too rough. He knows we can't do it on our own. 

My sweet friends, may I leave you with one final thought for today? What would your world look like if you let God heal you like a piece of Japanese pottery? Would you still see the rough and ugly pieces of your broken life? Or, instead, would you see the beauty of a life glued back together with Jesus' precious blood? I know life is hard. No one has it all together, despite how things appear from the outside. We are all broken in some way. Knowing this, it should make it easier for us to listen to others and practice kindness. The way we treat others matters.

Broken people sometimes act in broken ways.

If you or someone you know need help, please call:

Mom-1/ Mom Guilt-0

Today, I am that mom.

You know the one. The mom that frets. The mom that overprotects. The mom that clears the way for her kid. The mom that brings forgotten things, soothes every owie, and makes it all okay. That mom.

Sigh.

As a mom, some days are just harder than others. Depending on the age of the kid, what that looks like can be quite different. 

Your 9 month old is teething and just won't sleep.

Your 3 year old will not stop climbing on everything.

Your 5 year old cries every day at kindergarten drop-off.

Your 9 year old replies to every request with sass.

Your 12 year old is, well, acting like a 12 year old. 

Ahem.

Some days are just hard. Right now, my twelve year old is having a rough go of it. She loves Jr. High, but it's been physically hard on her. I think she's had more sick days this year than all of the others combined! We are now in the dreaded doctor's note phase of school absences. Every time she misses school, she needs a doctor's note.  Well, okay. But what if the kid just doesn't feel good? What if she's not sick enough for the doctor, but she's running a low-grade fever, has glassy eyes, and is coughing her lungs out? I know she has a cold. It's manageable. She'll be fine. She definitely doesn't need the doctor.

I still want her home.

Every mom is different when it comes to sick days. My own mom was very specific about sick days. If we weren't on death's doorstep, we were going to school. Some other moms don't seem to care if their kids ever go to school. My stance is definitely closer to that of my mom than of the second mom. On the other hand, I don't like to send my kiddos to public school, where they will infect everyone in their path, when I know they are obviously sick. Without throwing up. Without a fever. Come on, my fellow moms, we know when our kids aren't quite right. In our house, if their eyes are glassy, they are staying home. I just don't think that it benefits anyone to have sick kids at school.

But, I digress. 

My girl has missed 13 days this year. That's a lot, thanks to a bout with a strep/influenza combo she acquired earlier this year. That combo left her a bit, well, off. I don't know  how to describe it, but she just hasn't felt well since. We've taken her to the doctor, and they've run some tests. So, for now, she is on an acid reducing medication, and we've had to change her diet. That means she brings her lunch to school.

EVERY. 

DAY.

Now this morning, like all other mornings since this began, I made her lunch and left it on the kitchen table. My girl has to walk past the table to go out the door. See where I'm going with this? Today she walked right past her lunch and left it at home.

We both know she needs the lunch. And yet, there it sat, on the table. As my husband pulled out of the driveway to take her to school, I was left with a dilemma. Do I take the lunch to her?

Part of raising responsible kiddos is letting them fail once in a while. I know this. You know this. Everyone knows this. Isn't this the biggest complaint about this generation of parents? We aren't letting our precious snowflakes fail EVER. Look, I get it. I even mostly agree. What I have a really hard time with is days like today. 

What exactly would I be teaching my sick daughter by not taking her specially packed lunch?  

• She should be responsible for herself. Yes, she should be responsible for herself. When it comes to what she eats every day, she needs to pick up the lunch box. Even if she has to have a special diet, I'm sure she could find something in the school lunch to eat.
• Actions have consequences. Forgetting your lunchbox means eating school lunch. Done. Twelve is old enough to deal with it. Just like missing practice means you might not get to play, learning that her personal actions have real world consequences is a life lesson. I know this.
• Grace is something we learn in church, but it's not meant for you. Ouch.This one stings a bit. Grace is undeserved favor. We can't earn it, it's freely given. Do we only teach grace in church or are we allowed to bestow grace upon the other little humans living in our homes? I don't know about you, but we have always been grace givers in our home. We all make mistakes. I believe sickness is a time of great grace.
• We must never break the rules. You know, this one makes me giggle a little. I am a rule follower by nature, and I have a little one who is just like me. To hear her tell it, there is never a good time to break the rules (unless it's her, of course!) It's a rule in our home that I will not bring a forgotten lunch or homework. It's their responsibility. But, do we all follow the rules all the time? Um, how many speeding tickets have you had? Ever have 12 items in the 10 items or less aisle? We just finished tax season, ahem. Sometimes in life, we bend the rules a little. I refer you back to my previous point on grace.
• Do as I say, not as I do. I forget things. All. The. Time. I actually had to have a dry erase board put up in my kitchen for that very reason! Is it unreasonable to think that our kids will forget things, too? I don't think so. Their days and minds are busy, just like ours. I have come home for lunch many days because of a forgotten lunch. By junior high, I expect them to remember, but mistakes happen for them, just like they do for me.
• You are not important. Nope. I just couldn't let her think this one today. Just. No.

So, as you may have guessed, I took the lunch to her today. The entire time I was explaining to the office staff why I brought it, I knew I had done the right thing. My poor girl needed some grace today, and I was in the position to give it to her.

You know, it would be nice if there was a magical parenting book tailor-made for each child, wouldn't it? We would know what to do all the time, and never wonder or worry if we'd made the right decision. I once had a friend tell me that I was to always remember that I was raising a child to become an adult, not to stay a child. It was honestly some of the best parenting advice I've ever received, but only if I remember that adulthood isn't all about responsibility. It is also about love, grace, faith, and compassion. I want my girls to have those things as adults, so I have to teach them those things as children. 

The best way for my sweet girls to learn these things is to see them in my life. I have the greatest power to influence them, for good or bad. And, while there is no magical parenting book, I do have a book to help me along the way. It's full of everything I need to live a life my girls can emulate with pride. 

Is this the real life, is this just fantasy.......

Some of you may be old enough to remember this line from the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" by the band Queen. It's dreamy, sometimes crazy, lyrics and music have been entrancing audiences for over three decades now. I find myself strangely drawn to it lately. Could it be that struggling with reality is an internal struggle for us all?

This is the age of information, so to speak. Then, why does it seem like people are actually less informed than in years past? Boy, the Internet is a dicey thing. Ironically, it can answer almost any question if you know how to ask, but the results might not be reliable. In the age of Internet hackers, corrupt and biased media, and conspiracy theorists, it can be hard to know the truth when you read it or see it. Thank you, God, that YOUR truth never changes.

Which is better: To know the truth, even though it is unpopular or far-fetched, or to believe lies, knowing they are not true, just to be comfortable?

I do not consider myself to be an alarmist, but I hate it when I am lied to or intentionally deceived.These days, if you want to be informed about what is happening in the world, you have to find it out for yourself. The real story is usually somewhere in between the conspiracy theorists and the news media. It does take a little work, but the results are worth it.

This is especially true in an election year. If something is of particular importance to you, do some research. Try to verify what you read, and take nothing at face value. This is the basis of good research. What is that old saying? 

Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see........(Queen).