I haven't written.
Writer's write. That's what we do. All the time, we are either reading or writing something.
I have an entire book to edit, and I haven't written.
We are in the middle of a historic pandemic, and I haven't written.
Our economy is tanking, and I haven't written.
The world is being turned upside down daily, and I haven't written.
I've tried. I have written, rewritten, backspaced, and erased more things than I think I ever have in my life. Just like many of you, the scope of what has befallen our nation has left me overwhelmed and spellbound. I just can't get it right, and it's driving me mad.
So...
I haven't written.
How do you write when your brain is overwhelmed by the magnitude of just living every day? How do you put words into sentences that make sense to yourself and others when nothing about what is happening in the world is making sense?
How do you relate your own personal trials and tribulations to a world filled with trials and tribulations? It sounds whiny and lame. Do people still use the word lame? I digress.
I have so much to say, and it's not going away, so today...
I WRITE.
Friends, today is July 12, 2020.
My family, like so many of yours, has been in quarantine since the middle of March. Just a refresher of our current family situation is probably needed for any new followers, so here goes. My husband, myself, and our two girls moved from Illinois to Florida a little over two years ago. We live in a big house with his parents, both elderly, neither in great health. My husband is a public school teacher. One daughter is in high school and the other is in middle school. My husband is generally in good health, but got really sick at the end of last year, causing some gallbladder and heart issues. My big girl is generally in decent health, but has the same heart issue and some mental health issues. My baby has chronic asthma, sometimes severe. She usually ends up at the hospital at least once a year. Last school year she missed more school than she has ever missed in her life after also getting very sick in December. And to add to the fun, she also has a weird condition where her potassium bottoms out when she gets really sick sometimes. It can be a really huge deal and cause her to have a heart attack if left unnoticed or untreated.
At almost 13.
(Sighing in complete exhaustion)
As for myself, I have two autoimmune diseases currently. Since the move, I've stayed home to care for my family. It's been an eye-opening struggle to adapt to such an urban area after a lifetime in small towns, but we had just started to adjust to living here at the end of 2019.
Enter 2020...
I don't even know what to say. We are now living day by day, only going out when needed. Daily trying to protect this house full of people has not been easy or cheap.
This is not some sob story manufactured for you to feel sorry for me; it's just the way it is. I know many of you and other Americans are living this same struggle. The overwhelming frustration, fear, idleness, and lack of control of our circumstances are all too common. In response, many of us have eaten too much, watched too much tv (I'm looking at you Tiger King fans), listened to too much news, and spent WAAAAYYY too much time on our phones or devices. We are coping the best we can.
Just when I thought things were starting to smooth out just a little, Florida's pandemic numbers exploded, and the nation wants our children and school staff to go back to school.
Here.
In Florida.
The world's newest Covid-19 hotspot.
Yet again, I'm at a loss for words.
How do I explain to anyone that, if I just sent them, I might lose my entire world? How do I make anyone understand just how dangerous that would be for us? Would anyone even care?
Of all of the overwhelming factors we've been dealing with since March, this one is the absolute hardest. I get angry at those who act like our lives don't matter. I want to yell and scream at those who tell me to "suck it up, and if you're afraid just stay home"! No amount of common sense, scientific evidence, or input from actual school staff will deter this sentiment. How has humanity fallen this far? How has this happened right under our noses? When did it become okay to insist that others sacrifice their lives so that others can be stupid, careless, and selfish?
I fully understand that not everyone is in this position. I know many people need to go to work, make money, and feed their families. I know this. I know some people also live in places where this is not their reality. To that, I say: I'm so happy for you. I'm sad that you are being controlled by things that don't concern you. Every family is different. I feel there are no good answers at this point.
I wish I had some great pearls of wisdom to share with you. I wish I had some bright spot to cheer up this post. I wish this was just some bad dream. It's not, and I don't.
So, I will leave you with this:
I haven't written, but today I wrote it all out for the world to see. That is...if I don't erase it again...
Ami, I just want you to know that we love and miss you all so much. My heart goes out to you all. I can't imagine living with the fear that if John were exposed, the rest of you could get this horrific crap and be wiped out. That thought breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteYou are correct. There are no easy answers and every family and their situation is different. Right now, because of a procedure Bob is having the end of the month, we are not able to help my son and his family out by keeping their kids b/c there has been a spike her and we can't take the chance of Bob getting exposed. I miss my grands something horrible. I need to hug them and kiss them and I miss my kids. All this just happened in the blink of an eye. We are waiting for one of my granddaughters tests to come back. She was exposed.
Our hearts break for this nation. I am seeing the riots and hatred from the '60s rear it's ugly head again and it makes me sick. I hate the fact that people are so ignorant of our nations history they want to destroy everything about it. The ones tearing this nation apart in our streets obviously have not studied those times to see that we came a very long way after that as far as "race relations" goes. We now have Dr.s', lawyers, men and women in our government and even elected a black President, men and women of all races. It breaks my heart that people define each other by the pigment of their skin and not the content of their character. (Those words of one of my heroes, Dr. Martin Luther King ringing in my ears). The words of JFK "ask NOT what your country can do for you, but what YOU can do for your country" has flown out the window with many here wanting freebies. I am watching, listening, and then weeping over the fact that our nation is filled with so much hate.
It makes me physically ill to see the people (on both sides) trying to tear the fabric of this nation apart. No regard for our Constitution, the rule of law, and trying to impeach a man that, in my lifetime, has done more for this country in the last three years than any other President ever and done if for NO monetary gain. Do I always agree with him, absolutely not, but his record speaks for itself.
When all this mess with the virus broke, I learned from my daughter that hospitals were very very short on emergency equipment to handle something like this. The gov. was supposed to have supplies on hand for something like this. It literally took someone like our President w/a background in business contacts and the determination that he has to get things done in a timely and cost effective way to spearhead turning this around as quickly as he did. Yes, I thank God for that. Hospitals all over the nation had the supplies they needed and testing equipment within just a few weeks. That was nothing short of a miracle. No on knew what we were dealing with.
I say all this to say that no, we don't have answers and we need to be on our knees every day praying for this nation. We need to be vigilant about our health and we need to be caring, compassionate, and kind to those whose circumstances are different from our own. I pray for all your safety. I pray everyday for this mess to go away, but I am not willing to give up my freedom and my liberty to people in our government who, for whatever reason are hell bent on doing just that.
I pray, sweet friend, that you and your family find a way to get the things you need without having to expose yourself to this virus. Stay strong, my friend. You are one of the strongest women I know and I love you.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, dear friend. Praying for Bob as he has his procedure. I didn’t know about Mandy, or your grand baby. I’m so sorry, hopefully things will get better soon. I love how we don’t always agree, but can love each other as dear friends. I miss you.
DeletePerfect love casts out all fear, even our days are worse Than ever.
ReplyDelete