Empty

  Good morning, friends. It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted. Life, you know.

Today my heart is so full, the only way I can move on is by letting someone else hear my thoughts, so here goes nothing.

Let me start by saying that I’m an optimistic person. I wake up every morning thinking that today will be better than yesterday, and I actively work to keep that mindset all day.

While what I’ve said is the absolute truth, let me tell you just how difficult it is to keep a stiff upper lip these days. Anxiety is high in all sectors of society, and it’s no wonder why.

War and suffering in Ukraine. Outrageous price increases on everything from gas to groceries. Rising inflation. Stagnant wages. Worker shortages. COVID. Supply shortages, including baby formula. Rising home costs, affordable housing shortages, and homelessness. The rising cost of all insurances. Book bans. Scapegoating. The hopelessness of politicians' apathy, avarice, and hate.

So, yesterday, when I was affronted once again by the news of another school shooting, I didn’t have a lot left to give. I have become numbed by the never ending onslaught of tragedy and pain. As a parent and as a person who works in a school on a daily basis, school shootings are a terrifying reality of life. I don’t allow myself to fully embrace what such a situation would mean for me personally, but let me just say that I always know the closest exit to whatever room I’m in and the safety drills are unnerving. It’s better to be prepared than to be sorry.

But, when I looked into the faces of the ones I love the most, I was undone.

 Absolutely bereft. I was crying at 5am this morning, and try as I might, the tears wouldn’t stop. No amount of crisis fatigue could erase my heartbreak.

This recent school shooting has been the 27th school related shooting in 2022.

Myself and my entire world go to school each day. It’s so much for my brain to process, it doesn’t. It’s unthinkable. It’s unfathomable. Yet, here we are.

Where do we possibly go from here?

SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE

  

A Big Life

 

Hello, friends!

I hope y’all are enjoying summer, or as we call it in Florida, daytime. Our family is taking in some much needed rest after a CRAZY year. As many of you know, I recently went back to work as a substitute teacher, and our lives got really busy. School will begin again in a few short weeks, so we’re making the most of Netflix, Amazon, Disney+, and the Olympics. Rest is vital for me, for all of us really, and I don’t feel a bit guilty about it. Well, I am a mom, so maybe just a little guilty, right ladies? 🙄

While taking advantage of my newfound free time, I have been thinking a little, okay a lot, about life in general, but mine in particular. As a woman of forty something years, I’ve reached middle age, and that’s a great deal of life to look back on.

How do I feel about my life? 

Is it everything I’d hoped it’d be?

Am I satisfied?

My mom is probably reading this and thinking that I have too much time on my hands, but the question begs a reply. 

AM I SATISFIED?

How do I even begin to answer that question? Does Christianity play a role in my answer? Does my family? How could I possibly know?!?

Friends, I don’t know the answer, to be completely honest. As I’ve gone through this life, I’ve had so many different versions of what I thought success, happiness, and satisfaction would look like. I’m sure many of you are the same. But as I’ve grown and, ahem, matured, my goals in life have changed. The goalposts have moved, so to speak. 

The only thing I am absolutely sure about is that to many, I’ve lived a small life. No grandiose achievements like Olympic medals or multimillion dollar contracts. No fame. No fortune. Just living, loving my family, and loving God the best way I can. 

But, what is a big life anyway?!?

Fame? My kids, their friends, and many kids in the hallways, and consequently the grocery store, know my name. I suppose that’s fame enough.

Fortune? Well, we don’t have much, but we have enough, and just like Mary Poppins says, “Enough is as good as a feast.”

Faith? I love Jesus, and I believe what He says is true. Can’t ask for much more than that.

Family? I have the best family! I’m still madly in love with my hubby, and we have two teens we can stand to be around. 25 years of this has made me a lucky, lucky woman. Not to mention, my mama thinks I’m cool, so there! Ha!

And finally, fulfillment? Friends, my heart is so full every day. I might not always feel loved, but I know I am, and that I make a difference, if only to my small circle. Who could ask for more than that? Not only that, but my body gets challenged, my brain learns new things each day, I’m always meeting new people, I have time to recharge, and I get to cuddle two of the most adorable kitties ever. 

I’m blessed in my life, so I guess that makes it big to me. I hope y’all can say the same. And if you can’t, I hope you have the strength and courage to change it.

I’m wishing you all the best of days, the biggest of dreams, and the most fabulous lives.

Ami ❤️

The best photo of my sassy girl

Our Greatness

  

Today is January 20, 2021.

Today the United States of America is taking a deep, cleansing breath, then swearing in a new President. It’s a historic moment for many reasons.

This morning I watched as our sitting President, Donald Trump, left the White House for the last time. I have to tell you, it made my heart swell. Not only am I excited for this new season of change, but like most Americans, the sheer magnitude of Inauguration Day leaves me in awe. 

Our nation, though somewhat tarnished at present, has been a shining jewel of how to transfer power peacefully. No coups, no fighting, and none of the other nasty ways new regimes come into power. I’ll admit that last week had me a bit worried, but this morning looks so serene. 

Looks can be deceiving.

As our nation wearily stumbles into this day, there is so much division, so much pain. Our next President, Joe Biden, will have a full plate of complicated problems to contend with, made even worse by those actively hoping he will fail. He will be much like his predecessor in this way. 

As I sit and watch our nation prepare for this day, I am warily hopeful. Although I am comforted to see this day proceed with dignity, my Libertarian brain is concerned about the cost of our recent turmoil, both literally and figuratively. Our national debt is spiraling out of control, and with talks about more spending every day, I fear we are reaching a financial cliff. Added to that is the specter of looming “national security“ measures to protect our nation from domestic terror. Hopefully, these measures will be tempered in an attempt to heal the ever widening rift that has been festering like a boil for quite some time. 

But, even as I acknowledge our failures as a nation, I can still see our greatness. Whether we survive as a nation or not, our foundation was laid with great hope.

 Hope for a better life

Freedom from persecution, both political and religious 

Hope for the future

The promises of freedom and hope still bring people to America and stir the hearts of Americans already here. May we never forget the things that make us truly great while working hard to make it great for all people. We are abundantly blessed.

May God look kindly on America today and bless us into the future.

Thankful

Thankful.

That’s a word I didn’t think I’d use today. By all accounts, I have every right to be the grumpiest, grouchiest, grinch in town. 2020 has been a year, as we all know, and this Christmas season has been the icing on the cake. 

In a year full of tragedies, fear, and full on disasters, we’ve had our share. So, so many things have been a complete disaster since March, I don’t even know where to begin, so I won’t. Let’s just suffice it to say that this morning I woke up covered in hives. On Christmas Eve. 

Deep breaths.

Sigh.

Surprisingly enough, I’m not bitter or angry. I’m thankful. This morning I woke up. What a great way to begin a day. I’m at home, the best place to be. My husband made bacon. BACON. My doctor’s office was open when I called. I had hot coffee. I have great kids who are EXCITED for Christmas. 

I have a home filled with love, warmth, food, and joy.

Who could ask for more, especially at Christmas?

Merry Christmas, my friends. I pray you have all you need, want all you have, and hope for tomorrow.
 

I Haven't Written...

I haven't written.

Writer's write. That's what we do. All the time, we are either reading or writing something.

I have an entire book to edit, and I haven't written.

We are in the middle of a historic pandemic, and I haven't written.

Our economy is tanking, and I haven't written.

The world is being turned upside down daily, and I haven't written.

I've tried. I have written, rewritten, backspaced, and erased more things than I think I ever have in my life. Just like many of you, the scope of what has befallen our nation has left me overwhelmed and spellbound. I just can't get it right, and it's driving me mad.

So...
I haven't written.

How do you write when your brain is overwhelmed by the magnitude of just living every day? How do you put words into sentences that make sense to yourself and others when nothing about what is happening in the world is making sense?

How do you relate your own personal trials and tribulations to a world filled with trials and tribulations? It sounds whiny and lame. Do people still use the word lame? I digress.

I have so much to say, and it's not going away, so today...

I WRITE.

Friends, today is July 12, 2020.

My family, like so many of yours, has been in quarantine since the middle of March. Just a refresher of our current family situation is probably needed for any new followers, so here goes. My husband, myself, and our two girls moved from Illinois to Florida a little over two years ago. We live in a big house with his parents, both elderly, neither in great health. My husband is a public school teacher. One daughter is in high school and the other is in middle school. My husband is generally in good health, but got really sick at the end of last year, causing some gallbladder and heart issues. My big girl is generally in decent health, but has the same heart issue and some mental health issues. My baby has chronic asthma, sometimes severe. She usually ends up at the hospital at least once a year. Last school year she missed more school than she has ever missed in her life after also getting very sick in December. And to add to the fun, she also has a weird condition where her potassium bottoms out when she gets really sick sometimes. It can be a really huge deal and cause her to have a heart attack if left unnoticed or untreated.

At almost 13.

(Sighing in complete exhaustion)

As for myself, I have two autoimmune diseases currently. Since the move, I've stayed home to care for my family. It's been an eye-opening struggle to adapt to such an urban area after a lifetime in small towns, but we had just started to adjust to living here at the end of 2019.

Enter 2020...

I don't even know what to say. We are now living day by day, only going out when needed. Daily trying to protect this house full of people has not been easy or cheap.

This is not some sob story manufactured for you to feel sorry for me; it's just the way it is.  I know many of you and other Americans are living this same struggle. The overwhelming frustration, fear, idleness, and lack of control of our circumstances are all too common. In response, many of us have eaten too much, watched too much tv (I'm looking at you Tiger King fans), listened to too much news, and spent WAAAAYYY too much time on our phones or devices. We are coping the best we can.

Just when I thought things were starting to smooth out just a little, Florida's pandemic numbers exploded, and the nation wants our children and school staff to go back to school.

Here.

In Florida.

The world's newest Covid-19 hotspot.

Yet again, I'm at a loss for words.

How do I explain to anyone that, if I just sent them, I might lose my entire world? How do I make anyone understand just how dangerous that would be for us? Would anyone even care?

Of all of the overwhelming factors we've been dealing with since March, this one is the absolute hardest. I get angry at those who act like our lives don't matter. I want to yell and scream at those who tell me to "suck it up, and if you're afraid just stay home"! No amount of common sense, scientific evidence, or input from actual school staff will deter this sentiment.  How has humanity fallen this far? How has this happened right under our noses? When did it become okay to insist that others sacrifice their lives so that others can be stupid, careless, and selfish?

I fully understand that not everyone is in this position. I know many people need to go to work, make money, and feed their families. I know this. I know some people also live in places where this is not their reality. To that, I say: I'm so happy for you. I'm sad that you are being controlled by things that don't concern you. Every family is different. I feel there are no good answers at this point.

I wish I had some great pearls of wisdom to share with you. I wish I had some bright spot to cheer up this post. I wish this was just some bad dream. It's not, and I don't.

So, I will leave you with this:

I haven't written, but today I wrote it all out for the world to see. That is...if I don't erase it again...

Kicking the Can

Hello, friends.

I hope this post finds you well.

I need a moment to clear my head, so I hope you don't mind listening for a bit.  My heart is so heavy right now. My head is hurting, my eyes keep tearing up, and my very soul is churning.  Now is not a great time in history to have anxiety. Those of us with it are not okay, so check on your friends, alright?

I've written this blog in my head three times already. I've physically written it. I've thought about it enough to write it five times. The simple fact is that talking about hard things is not something that I enjoy. Oh, I'll get mad enough to tell my poor husband all about it, but I have a really difficult time writing it for the world to see. So, please bear with me.

Many of you reading this did not know me when I was growing up, so I'd like to set the stage for you just a bit before I tell you my story. We were poor when I was growing up. Government cheese kind of poor. It was a hard existence, but my parents managed to do the best they could. We weren't sleeping on the streets, and for that alone, I'm exceedingly grateful. I tell you this because I want you to understand where I and many others began life. Our lives seemed to be the farthest from privileged that you could get. Of course, I know that so many have it worse, but as a child, it left a mark on me.

From those beginnings to just a few years ago, I never EVER would have imagined that someone would have called my life privileged.

I was wrong.

So, here I sit with this incongruous knowledge of my past and my privilege, my WHITE privilege, and it's breaking me. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. How can life have been so hard, and yet so privileged? Well, I had to break it down for myself, so I guess I'll break it down for you, too.

Our family was never denied housing because of the color of our skin. We were free to shop and live in our community without being harassed because of the color of our skin. We never had anyone try to drive us from our home because of the color of our skin. I was never pulled over after I began to drive because of the color of my skin. I was never made fun of because of the color of my skin. I was never laughed at for applying to college because of the color of my skin. I was never chased out of church because of the color of my skin. I was never denied access to vote because of the color of my skin. I was never followed through a store because of the color of my skin. My family never thought of me as less because of the color of my skin. I was never assumed to be a criminal because of the color of my skin.

Quite simply, the American Dream existed for us because of the color of our skin, whether we were poor or not. If we could afford to do it, we could do it. And, my family DID do it. My parents worked hard and lifted our family out of the poverty of my youth. They worked so very hard for that, and I'm grateful. They raised four kids that graduated high school and went either to college or the military. While my parents are not wealthy, they managed to own a home and raise four children in America. That is the American Dream: Freedom to do what you want with your own life. We were so privileged, and it breaks me.

So, 2020 being what it is, I have had a great deal of time to do nothing but think, watch tv, and scroll social media. I have seen people die for doing simple things that I take for granted every day. I can exercise in public, I can go to the store, I can even go home and sleep without fear of attack. My children can leave the house, and I don't fear that they will not return. How my heart aches, friends, for those moms who cannot say the same. The American Dream does not exist for them. It has turned into a nightmare.

So, what do we do with this information? As I see it, we really only have three choices.

1. We can pretend that we don't know the truth, and go on living life as it always has been.
2. We can acknowledge the truth and vow to do better going forward.
3. We can actively fight for the equality of our black brothers and sisters. They need white voices to help carry the message and burden of their battle. It's been a long battle, and they're tired. In whatever capacity we are capable of helping, we should.

I'd just like to end this by saying that we all have to come to terms with racism in our own lives and homes. You might not even be overtly racist, but just deny your privilege like I had been doing. Until we can all be honest with ourselves, nothing is ever going to change. Until white people admit that there is a problem, the problem will only get worse, and we will be kicking the can down the road for future generations to solve. Won't they have enough problems without inheriting ours? It's time to do something about systemic racism in our homes and in our nation. Enough is enough.

Take a Break

Hello, friends.

How is quarantine treating all of you? Are you okay? Have you completely run through your collection of quarantine snacks? Is your family driving you crazy? Have you discovered anything new or interesting about yourself today?

Well, today has been an interesting day for me.

It's not often that I am faced with my own mortality, but here we are.

Today,  I remembered one very important fact about my own life: it will end. Everything that I consider so important will be seen for what it really is, a distraction from much more important things.

What has me so somber and melancholy today?

I finally realized how deadly COVID-19 would be for me personally.

I've spent a great deal of time over the last several days and weeks preparing my home and family for quarantine. We've shopped. cleaned, and prepared. I've lectured my family over and over again on the importance of washing hands, something that I've done as a habit since being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease years ago.

While doing all of this preparation, I've put myself at risk, but I've been taking normal precautions like washing my hands and staying away from sick people. Today, I'm wondering if it's been enough.

I've had a bit of a sore throat and an occasional runny nose for about a week. This is not unusual for me, as I have allergies, and everything is blooming here. The real issue is that my immune system is becoming overwhelmed. Not only are my allergies raging, but I'm now experiencing typical autoimmune issues as well. My psoriasis is picking up, I'm itchy, my body is aching, my mouth is hurting, my brain is slow, my eyes are twitching, and my sleep is either all or nothing.

I realized for the first time this morning that I am afraid.

I'm afraid to go out. I'm afraid for my family. I'm afraid for myself. I wish I could deny these things, but I can't. I have found myself in a place of fear, and I'm trying so desperately to find a way out.

But, what can I do? How do I dig myself out of this pit of despair? How do I make myself keep going when all I want to do is isolate with the cat?

I remind myself who I am.

I am a mom, so I have kiddos who depend on me.

I am a wife, so I have a husband to love and care for.

I am a daughter, so I have parents that love and sometimes depend on me.

I am a sister, so I need to check in with my siblings to make sure they are okay.

I am a friend, so I need to lift up my friends and encourage them in these uncertain times.

Most importantly, I am a child of God. He has me. He knows me, and what I'm going through. He is not surprised by anything happening to me or anyone else. He holds me and whispers the truth in my ears as I spiral into an anxiety freefall.

You are mine.

I'll never leave you.

I've got this.

Nothing is too big for me.

I've got a plan.

Fear is not from me.

Trust me.

Faith is a journey, not a destination, friends. Sometimes we find ourselves in dark and desolate places and we fear that God has forgotten us. We worry, complain, and fear. All the while, God waits patiently for us.

Longing for us to come to Him.

Gifting us with what we need before we even ask or realize what He's done.

The truth is, we never know what each day holds. We wake up each day and believe that we are in control of ourselves and what happens to us. We go about our days making decisions to keep ourselves from harm and to make our lives easier, all while neglecting the reality of our mortality.

Maybe this time of contemplation is a gift. Maybe taking extra time and effort to be with our families is a blessing.

Maybe it's a wake-up call.

However you are spending your quarantine, I urge you to spend a few moments with yourself. Contemplate uncomfortable realities. Ponder the big questions. Maybe even listen to your favorite 80s music while having a conversation with the Almighty.

You never know, it might be just the break you needed.