Boy, that title probably sounds a little harsh, right? Oh, I could've put it another way, but that is exactly the way it came to me. Now, please allow me to explain.
Sooooooo, I'm turning 40 this year. The big 4-0. I know to many people it's probably no big deal. In fact, my age has never been a big deal to me either. I mean, getting old is better than the alternative, right? For some reason, however, the last few weeks have made me really sit and contemplate my life. (Sickness has a funny way of doing that to you.)
I have a great life, and I am blessed in so many ways, but when I sat and really thought about it, I realized that I don't even recognize the life that I live. That probably doesn't even make sense, but haven't you ever felt like you were living someone else's life? This is definitely not what I signed up for all those years ago. What happened?
Well, life happened.
You know, when I was 18 I thought I had the whole world figured out, and I was going to set the world on fire. Some of that fire still lives in me today, but it's more of an ember than a blaze these days. What is it about youth that is so arrogant? I mean, did we actually know anything at that age? When I went off to college, I had no clue that everything I thought I knew about my future would turn out to be wrong. I did not turn out to be a lawyer (Injustice still bugs me, though.) I did not become a history teacher (other people's kids, 'nuff said.) I did not marry the boy I had the biggest crush on in high school (I met my husband at 19.) I don't live in the city. I don't have a fancy house. I hate going out. I could go on and on, but you get the point. I was such a dreamer at 18, but God had other plans for me.
Most of you know me, but for those of you who don't, let me tell you a bit about myself.
I am a writer, not a teacher or a lawyer. I also work part time at a great family run business in my small town. I married my college sweetheart, and a week later we moved away from everyone we knew to a tiny town in South Central Illinois.
When I look at that last paragraph, I have mixed feelings. I wonder what the 18 year old version of me would say about my life.
Am I successful?
Are you disappointed?
Is it enough?
You see, I don't think the 18 year old me would even recognize the 40 year old me. Life has changed me so much. However, I am coming to realize that one of the greatest gifts of age is wisdom. Wisdom is not a gift that is granted, but one that is earned. I earned all those wrinkles around my eyes by laughing at my husband's jokes and my girls' giggles. I earned those stripes by persevering through six pregnancies and two deliveries. I earned those wrinkles between my eyes by facing life's challenges and trying to learn the lesson and find the blessing.
Wisdom is earned, my friends.
So as I sit writing this blog as my family sleeps, I wonder what my life would look life if it had gone the way I had planned. I have a feeling it would have been so empty and lonely. I'm so thankful that God's wisdom kept me from following a path that was not for me. I love my life, even if it is not what I'd planned. I am almost forty, and I now know what real priorities are. I know what real love looks like. (Hint: it looks much more like a hospital ward than a flower shop.) I know now that success looks different for everyone. Some days just getting through the day is success.
So is it fair to say that my children (and my husband) ruined my life? Yes. They ruined the life that was never meant to be mine anyway.
I'm so glad that they did, and I bet younger me would agree. She always was a smart cookie. 😉
No comments:
Post a Comment