Unraveling a Mom

Have you ever seen a rope come unraveled? It doesn’t just suddenly break. It takes its time. Section by section, cord by cord, it frays. The whole rope starts to lose its grip as each individual section breaks. Suddenly, catastrophically, the entire thing crumbles because it can’t bear the strain.

People often unravel the same way.

How?

Well, let me begin here...

It's Christmastime! It's the season of all things jolly and cheerful. The lights, trees, goodies, parties, and gifts are all part of the most wonderful time of the year, and I must admit that Christmas is my favorite holiday. Who can resist so much beauty and magic?

Until I became a mom, I never really considered where all of that magic came from. It just shows up with the first snow, right? What a surprise it was for me to realize that parents are the great magic makers in this life! Don't get me wrong, God's mercy and unbelievable gift are the most magical parts of the holiday, but all of the trappings that go with it rest solely on the shoulders of parents. In our home, "parents" most often means "mom," and not just at Christmastime.

Moms bear the majority of the emotional, and oftentimes physical, burden of raising children. It's just who we are. I don't believe that you can carry around something for almost 10 months of your life and not care about what happens to it, especially when you hear it's very heartbeat from inside of you. You feel every kick and hiccup. Then, when that beautiful baby emerges, us moms instantly go to work despite our tired, sore, and often stitched together bodies, and we love that child. Of course we carry the emotional burden of caring for this precious gift! What society, and often our own families, fail to recognize is that that burden of caring never quite goes away for the mom. They may be taller, smellier, and harrier than us, but we moms still see the tiny babies they once were and worry and care for them.

So, how do you unravel a mom? Much like a rope, it happens a little at a time. Women are doing more than ever before. We are working inside and outside of our homes. Many of us have a side hustle, too. We are still doing the lion's share of the housework and child rearing. We are making Christmas magic. We are trying to take off, or keep off, that extra 10 (or 20) pounds. We are trying to maintain friendships. We are trying to be good siblings. We are trying to be good daughters, or daughters-in-law, to aging parents. We are trying to care for our own bodies, which for some of us is quite the job. We are trying to be good wives to our husbands. We are trying to continue our education. We are trying to be good pet moms. We are trying to fix, build, or remodel our own homes.

In short, we are trying to do it all, and be everything to everyone. So, if even one or two of the things on the list become seriously out of whack, us moms find ourselves in serious trouble.

Suddenly, we can't bake cookies for the church party because we have a sick kid. We can't make it to work because the car is broken. We can't check on Grandma because we hurt ourselves at the gym. We can't make dinner because we have become so run down that we are now sick ourselves.

A mom becomes unraveled when several things begin to back up on her.  Any mom can handle one sick kid, but what if two of the kids and dad get sick? Any mom can handle doing the dishes, but what if the dishwasher, the toilet, and the car all break on the same day? Any mom can make goodies, but what if she is sick, her oven is broken, and no one has gone to the grocery store? Do you see? Wouldn't it be nice if life handed us one problem at a time so we could deal with it and move on? I don't know about you, but my life, especially lately, has not ever been that cooperative.

Friends, as I write this to you today, I find myself in this situation. I am harried and short tempered. I am surly and tired. I am still sick and overwhelmed. I am unraveled.

My baby is sick. Again. She's been sick constantly, it seems. My husband is not doing well, waiting for a gallbladder surgery while recovering from his flu-like illness and sudden heart issue. One of our toilets is broken. Our garbage disposal needs fixing. We have had our car in the shop many times in the last month. I am still coughing out my lungs. Our Christmas tree just went up, and there is only one present bought to go under it. I have not baked anything. I have not planned anything of consequence. In short, my Christmas season is looking a bit bleak.

Do I write these things to you for your sympathy? Do I think that I am the only one facing such problems? Am I completely blind to all of the blessings surrounding me?

No.

We are blessed.

I am blessed.

I have such wonderful friends to pray for me. They continuously lift me and my family up in prayer and with good thoughts. I could not be more blessed by them.

I might not have it all on Christmas, but I am blessed. The world around me might crumble, but I am blessed. I might lose everything, but I am blessed.

I must admit, the world does have me down. I feel unraveled and like I need a break. You might feel that way, too. I am embarrassed to say that I might have had one or two meltdowns, and there have definitely been tears, but I know that all of this is temporary. Nothing lasts forever. My God is still on His throne. He owes me nothing, and yet He still sent His Son.

That is what Christmas is about. Through it all, He remains. Though I might fail, He never does.

So, this Christmas, no matter what your situation may be, why not let the Savior be with you?  Let Him comfort you in your time of need. Let Him hold you as you cry. He has a way of putting the frayed rope back together again. Maybe then, we won't feel so unraveled.

It would be the very best birthday present for someone who deserves everything we have to give.

Rejected!

Today I received my first rejection email as a writer.

To say that I'm upset is an understatement. I am morose. I feel dejected. Both my heart and my head hurt.

I guess I should have started this in another way. Hold on. Let me start over.

Hello, friends. Happy Wednesday! How is everyone today? Me? Well, that's a little complicated.  Please, let me explain.

Many of you know me, but some of you don't, so let me introduce myself. My name is Ami Crowder: wife, mother, and blog writer. We have recently moved from Illinois to Florida to start our lives over. It's not going as well as I'd hoped. 

Do you remember when you were little, and everyone would ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up? I remember. I only ever said one thing: "Teacher!" I said it as loud and proud as I could to anyone who would listen. To me, there was no better life than being a teacher. I loved everything about school, and I wanted to spend my life there.

Clear-cut and decisive! Yes! I know what I want to be, now let's do it! Nothing was going to get in my way.

(Do you hear God laughing right now? You really should hear it. He's absolutely rolling on the floor.)

Did I become a teacher? No, I did not. To sum up, life happened. Life often goes its own way, and we just hang on for the ride. Plans get pushed aside, dreams get postponed, and priorities change. 

It's okay.

Really.

 I love my life and my family. But, now that our children are older, I'm trying to pursue some of my own hopes and dreams. I have recently re-enrolled in college to become a teacher. It's a monumental step forward, and it makes me both excited and nervous. I'm sure to be the oldest person in all of my classes, but that's fine by me. It's inspirational to see people who refuse to give up on their dreams, and my girls are watching. 

So, why am I bemoaning being rejected today? 

Sigh.

I love to write and read what other people have written. All. Of. It. I read everything, and have always had an affinity for reading and writing. It came so easily to me, that I thought that this surely must be why I couldn't decide on what to do with the rest of my life.

I WAS REALLY MEANT TO BE A WRITER!

So, instead of making poor decisions and having life interrupt my dreams, I thought I was just chasing the wrong one. So, it's okay if those other things passed me by, because I was really meant to be a writer.

The rejection felt like a slap in the face. Did I really get it wrong again, God? What is your plan for me? Where do I belong? Why did you make me this way if I can't use what you've given me?

But, the truth is, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. That sounds so silly coming from an adult, doesn't it? I'm going to school to become a teacher. I do love writing, and someday I hope to finish my novel. I enjoy this blog. Naturally, I'm a curious person and interested in so many things. My girls laugh at me because I enjoy Ted Talks. I listen to them for fun. Imagine! 

But, what if we're not meant to be just one thing?

In life, we wear many "hats." I'm not just a wife, I'm also a mom, sister, daughter, friend, aunt...  

The list goes on and on. So, why do we approach our careers as if there can only be one, quickly picking the first thing that interests us and sticking with it for life? Why do we think we are supposed to have our whole lives figured out at 18 or 20 and never change? I can tell you that I've changed a great deal since I was 18. I could never have imagined the direction my life has taken, both good and bad. 

We try so hard to plan it all out, don't we? We try to control everything and hope that we will achieve our idea of success. But, what is success? The definition of that changes as we get older and our priorities change. So, the idea that we can see what will make us look and feel successful throughout our lives when we are only 18 is really absurd. Why do we pressure ourselves into trying to have it all figured out anyway? Part of the joy in life is the journey.

I have to admit, when I started writing this today, I was having a really rotten day. I felt like a failure at life. Some days are just like that, I guess. What if every time something unexpected happens in life, I just yell, "Plot twist!" and move on? That might change my perspective a bit. Unfortunately, change happens, and it's not always what we would consider for the better.  Sometimes, we might even feel like we've hit rock bottom, but that doesn't mean we have to stay there. One of my favorite authors is very open about this subject, and sums it up nicely.

Rebuilding a life is tough. It's a lot easier if we cut ourselves some slack, and realize that we don't have to have it all figured out. I'm working on it. Meanwhile, God will be there for me, and so will my amazing support system of friends and family. They make it possible to pursue my dreams and go after what I want. 

Jonah Hill in Superbad

Being rejected can be one of the worst things to ever happen to you, or you can use it as a turning point. It's up to you. As for me, I'm going to use this rejection as a lesson in what not to do, learn to be a better writer, and move on.

What about you? 

Do you have an amazing rejection story? Let me know in the comments below.

The Weight of What If...

There is an unmistakable commonality between all parents. We live each day as if we can control our children's lives. When they're little, we tell them what to eat, what to wear, what to do, and even who to be friends with. We tell them these things out of a desire to love and protect them. We, the parents, obviously know what's best. We are in charge here. So, we continue giving directions to our little ones every day, instilling lifetime values and good nutrition. Fruit snacks count as fruit, right?

As our children grow, so does our sense of unease. We just can't shake it. We are still handing out direction to our little ones, but they don't always listen. Sometimes they believe they are right and dig in. Toddlers can reduce even the mightiest parent to his or her knees. Suddenly, they gain the understanding that there are choices, and thus begins the mightiest struggle of our parenting careers.

As a mom with anxiety, I can tell you that "what if?" is the biggest question I face every day. When our girls were babies, I read everything I could get my hands on to keep the what ifs at bay. Knowing what was normal helped me to understand when something was abnormal. Of course, no book can tell you everything you need to know or everything that might happen, but reading helped me to do something when seemingly nothing else could be done. Granted, every parent does this differently, so my experience is probably different from yours, but we all do it. We try to calm our anxiety over the unknown by doing what we think is best.

So, what happens when what you know to do isn't enough? What happens when all of your experience and knowledge amount to nothing but vain attempts at gaining control over an uncontrollable situation?

I believe this is the unspoken fear of all parents.

Not being able to take care of our children when they need it the most can be utterly devastating. We feel we are failing at our life's biggest responsibility. Not only is our child going through a tough time, but we find ourselves also in a weird state of unrest. No matter what we do, it is not enough.

I'm finding myself at this very place today and for the last few weeks. 

For the last few weeks, my baby has been sick. She has had a cold, sinus infection, diarrhea, and bronchitis. She just can't shake it. She's had two rounds of antibiotics, prednisone, cold meds, cough meds, constant nebulizer treatments, and all the Popsicles, warm drinks, soup, and love one mama can pour into one child. I've done all I can. So, what is the thing that haunts me?

Wondering if this...

My little one and her nebulizer

is going to turn into this.

Hospital stay 2018

This is such a deep fear for me, friends. My baby has asthma. Cold and flu season is hard for her. It is so hard for her, it is one of the many reasons we uprooted our family and moved from Illinois to Florida. We had hoped the milder weather would be good for her. And it has been until now. She had been doing so well that her pulmonologist took her off of her meds for the summer. That was such a major win for the girl who has been taking several meds a day since she was seven. 

The weight of the what ifs has become so heavy, friends. So, what am I supposed to do? How can I let this go? That's the question, isn't it? How do we let something so important go, even when we know there is nothing we can do about it? This is just my story. I know some of you carry different burdens that are just as heavy. The answers are non-existent and the worry is real. What can we do when nothing can be done?

When I know there is nothing left that I can do, I have to trust that God has this all under control. I might never understand why things work out the way they do, but it gives me great hope to know that someone else sees the whole picture and is working things out for the best. What else can I do? There will always be things that I cannot control. Praying and hoping are sometimes all that are left. It has to be enough for me. Otherwise, the what ifs in life will drive me crazy. I do what I can, and trust God for the rest. But, I know not everyone believes in the same things I do. 

What about you?

I would love to hear your story. How do you overcome the what ifs in life? What sustains you when you've done all you can? Let me know in the comments.

Strong for Too Long

I don’t know about you, but my news feed has been overflowing with witty little quips about positive mental health all week. And you know what? I LOVE IT. I love that people are finally TALKING about positive mental health. I love that we can support one another through likes, shares, and positive comments. I love that mental health has become a huge topic for conversation.

But...

I’m afraid that the conversation is just that-a conversation.

I’m doubtful that all the people reading and liking posts are able to believe what they read.

I’m hesitant to believe that any of this is making a difference.

Do you know why?

We live in a world where we are constantly inundated with inspirational quotes, yet so few of us believe what we post or see.

I am 1 in 4. 

I take an antidepressant every day, and recently had to up the dosage with my doctor. 

I’m one of those people that all of these quotes are aimed at. I love reading them, but they don’t change what I feel inside.

I still struggle not to feel like a burden when my autoimmune disease acts up.

I still struggle with wanting to be perfect, even though I know that’s not possible.

I still get crippling anxiety every time my big girl has a bad day or when my little one gets sick.

I still try to be everything to everyone until my body literally starts shutting down.

I’m anxious, frightened, and melancholy some days.

NO MATTER WHAT.

So, what can we do?

First, I think we ALL need to realize that literally NO ONE has it all together. No one is showing the hard parts of their lives on social media. We try to put our best foot forward, right? For whatever reason, we all know this but, we refuse to believe it. Comparison is the thief of joy,but most of us spend our days comparing our worst days to everyone else's best. No one else can live our lives for us, so we MUST stop acting like everyone’s opinion counts.

Second, we have to care for ourselves, especially on the days we feel the absolute worst. A little walk, a hot shower, a healthy meal, or listening to your favorite song can do AMAZING things for you. I have a tendency to visit the kitties at the animal shelter. I pet and love on them, and we both benefit. WHATEVER makes your little heart happy is self care.

Lastly, we need to destigmatize mental health. We would NEVER fault a cancer patient for receiving care for their illness. The same should be true of mental health. Our bodies work together in a system. Not one part is shameful. Why do we act like our brains are somehow different? Like, only the weak can have broken brains, but broken legs, well that just happens.

REALLY?!?

Mental illness is not a sign of weakness. It’s the brain’s way of signaling that something is wrong. Just like bruising, breaking, burning, and hurting signals something wrong with bones, organs, or muscles.

The positive take away from all of this? I actually have a great deal of hope, and so do many others fighting the fight. The future of brain science is exciting! More is being discovered about how and why the brain works every day. There is promising research on concussions, chemical imbalances, Alzheimer’s, tumors, and just how the brain works in general. 

To all of my fellow sufferers, I say keep on hoping. Don’t give up, because there is hope. Also,

 YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! 

To all of our friends and supporters, please check on us. Don’t give up on us. We miss our old selves, too.

*I am not a mental health professional. These are just my thoughts and opinions. Please seek out a licensed professional if you are in need of mental health services.

If you are having a hard time and are contemplating hurting yourself, please reach out. 

It’s Today. Again.

Today is 9/11. 

I find myself doing the same thing today that I’ve been doing every September 11th since 2001: I’m watching and remembering. Many people probably wonder why I would even want to spend my day listening to survivor stories and memorials for the dead. I often wonder why I’m drawn to disasters and tragedies. I want to hear the stories. I want to feel the sadness and fear. I want to root for the survivors. I want to know how it ends. 

I want to learn the lessons.
.

So, what lessons have I learned, or am I learning, from 9/11?

Foremost, and most importantly, I have learned about love. There is no replacement 

for my family and friends. They should be treated as the most important people in my life because they are. None of us live on this earth forever, so we should cherish the ones God gave us while we have them. 

Next, I’ve learned that everyone has a story, and they’re all different. No two people share the same story, even though they may go through the same experiences and share the same home. Every single person going through this life has a unique perspective, unique challenges, and unique pain. It is a serious disservice to humanity to assume that everyone is the same. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. And different.

One of the most complicated lessons from 9/11 can be summed up in one word: freedom.

Freedom is such a difficult concept. Most Americans define freedom very differently than the rest of the world. We associate freedom with rights and privileges that we enjoy under our system of government. But, freedom is not just something that government bestows upon us, we are born with it.
It is innate. 

It’s the thing that allows us to help others when we can. It’s what allows us to figure out what we want in life and go after it. It’s the thing that lets us go where we want, say what we want, do what we want, and be who we want to be. Recent times have made many of us forget what freedom really looks like. After 9/11, things have changed so drastically that many contend that we are no longer free as Americans. To that, I say that those people don’t really understand how freedom works. It’s not a set of laws telling us what we can and cannot do, but a state of mind.

What we think, we are.
Or become. 
Or something lofty sounding like that. 

Do we truly believe we are free? How do we secure or maintain that freedom? I believe there is nothing in life that we can’t change. We have the freedom to pursue change in ourselves and the world around us. 

Through love, compassion, empathy, and kindness we can learn the lessons of 9/11. We can use our freedom to change the world, starting with our own lives and families. Life is too short to do otherwise. Make the changes, and do the hard work. 

Be the change.

Lastly, I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Mother Theresa which sums up these lessons in a way that only she could.